Artist-Client Phrase Book

Welcome to the first Artist-Client Phrase Book
Containing many familiar phrases used by clients and what they really mean.

Author and editor - Chris Slane, ( with a little help from my friends ).

"Another artist recommended you."
( They want to cripple the competition with problem clients. )

"Just a simple job."
( Any moron could do it, that's why we picked you. )

"We need it ASAP!"
( It has sat here for weeks but now we need to get it off our desks before the holidays. )

"It will only be used on a website / blog / e-newsletters."
( Where it will sit for years and get downloaded by thousands of people for free. )

"I can't pay much."
( But I don't want it to look cheap as I really am. )

"Sorry, we don't have a budget."
( We've spent it all on computers, software, desks, printing, conferences, wages, furniture, stationery, power and everything else we use. )

"It will be good exposure for you."
( Like selling matches out in the snow. )

"Here's what we want it to look like."
( I've found another artist's work on the web, but they charge too much. )

"I'm more than happy to give you credit."
( Not a bank credit. I will take all your credit. )

"It could mean on-going work for you."
( As their slave. )

We expected to get the original artwork as well."
( In case you are really famous one day. )

"It's a charity job."
( Everyone else gets paid except you - art-director, printer, delivery boy, gofer... )

"We are a non-profit organisation."
( And will make you the same. Our staff are all salaried.)

"We saw your art on a website, so can you just send a better copy for printing?"
( We pay for software we use, but your intellectual property copyright should be free. )

"Our magazine is not a commercial publication".
( Sells 1,000s of copies per week but still wants to avoid paying for talent. )

"You can make the fee shortfall up on the next job."
( But not from us, we'll avoid you after this and move onto the next sucker. )

"It's for educational purposes."
( We're trying to teach you a lesson here. )

"Don't spend too much time on it."
( Work all night on it but only charge me for 5 minutes. )

"It looks fantastic but we want a few changes."
( We want to change it back and forth until we realise the first version was best. )

"We have just a few minor tweaks."
( A whim of iron. )

"The art will only be used inside the company"
( 100,000 employees worldwide, 50 million customers, billion dollar income. )

"I would be more than happy to send a copy of the book as a token of our gratitude".
( A useful paperweight for all your unpaid bills. )

"Due to the downturn, we were forced to cut our budget"
( Rather than give up my fat bonus this year, you shall be our sacrificial goat. )

"Do you earn a good living?"
( Shouldn't you be starving in a garret, considering how little I want to pay? )

"We'll get back to you."
( We've found a homeless person who will do the job for a bottle of meths. )

"The cheque is in the email."
( Virtually. )

Copyright Chris Slane.

Send in your suggestions for more - but do not request credit, as refusal often causes embarrasment.